Here at Death Assurance, VLLC

Here at Death Assurance, VLLC, we understand your concerns about saving enough for a happy and fulfilling retirement. After all, money is often short — and life? Well, it’s long and getting longer.

“How can I not outlive my money?” is one of the day’s most pressing questions.

We have addressed this modern-day conundrum and are pleased to share our solution with you, in private and in strict confidence.

One of our associates will meet with you, at a location to be determined by us, to discuss how the program works and what you can expect from us as we guide you away from worry and toward a fulfilling “rest-of-your-life” — however long, or brief, that may be.

First, we will learn about your financial situation and life goals. (Mostly the financial stuff.) Then, once you sign on, giving us oversight on your assets, we will help you get out there and live your dreams. And unless you are already skydiving or wrestling alligators as a hobby, we will encourage you to seriously ramp up your notions about a “bucket list.”

We do not think any of our clients should be “risk averse toward life.” In fact, we do not tolerate it.

Our philosophy: Live your life, now. Stopworryingandstartdoing™ may be an awkward catchphrase, but we believe in it and, frankly, cannot think of a better one at the moment. Doing things without over-thinking them — like making up new company mottoes on the fly, even changing our company name, as might be necessary, from time to time — exemplifies our street-smart notion of grabbing life by the shirtfront and pushing it around a little bit and maybe through a door and down a flight of stairs. Don’t f — with us, we mean to say — to, you know, Life.

Depending on your age, your financial resources, and your comfort level with risk, we will enroll you in a category of Death Assurance Bucket Lists® that run from ExtremelyRisky™ all the way down to StillPrettyDarnedRisky™. It all depends on your comfort level — and our comfort level with the funds you have remaining. So, at first the risk level is entirely your choice.

So, what about your bucket list? Catching up on athletic dreams is a big one for a lot of folks. We offer training on reaching physical goals you once had — or maybe never even considered. How about training to run a 5-minute mile at 75, or your first marathon? You’ve run a crazy, demanding obstacle course before where you nearly drown after being electrocuted? Well, gear up for our new Dante’s Circles Fun Run— You’llBegforMud™.

Others enjoy traveling to exciting destinations. If that sounds like you, we will send you out on one-on-one field trips with our skilled associates to experience the thrills of our exclusive GlobalRiskTaking™ program. Courageously sail to the eye of a hurricane; bravely clamber up to the rim of a testy volcano; arrogantly wave a lob wedge at the sky in an electrical storm! Don’t believe in global warming? We’d be happy to take you to peer over the edge of a crumbling glacier. Speaking of edges, our Octogenarian Cliff Climbing class is nearly always full, so be sure to sign up early. (Openings do pop up in that class frequently, so keep an eye on the signup.)

Literary-minded? Consider our delightful Rime of the Ancient Mariner cruise. Or you can simply trust us to suggest anything that comes to mind when we size you up, physically and financially — utilizing our trademarked Wholelisticview Algorithm™ (not one of those fancy-pants mathematical mappings — our associate Al in Jersey is just always crunching the numbers).

We think of living life at an advanced age as a challenge, one to be met with resolution. And when you have signed a contract with Death Assurance (where, with the help of certain key friends in Congress, we proudly pioneer the concept of a Very Limited Liability Corporation), you will have the peace of mind to know that you will not outlive your money. We keep an eye on your funds, and when they reach a certain point (known only to us, so you can remain blissfully unaware), you will be “encouraged” to move to a more aggressive bucket list. So, at first things are your choice, definitely. Then the program does the work for you, so you don’t have to worry. Let’s just say you get kind of locked in — to loving your life!

Think about it. We are merely doing what private equity investment firms do to companies and extrapolating those techniques all the way down to you. Consider yourself to be part of an exciting leveraged buyout. Compare it, if you will, to a reverse mortgage. And you will always retain ownership of your body.

So, live it up, Sir or Madam! We will encourage you, repeatedly, sometimes even push you a bit on this. (N.B., If we occasionally come across as threatening, it is just because we care so much. Maybe it’s late in the year and the books aren’t looking so good. Who knows? Must you take everything so personally?)

Here’s a new one: Hurryupwithalltheliving!™ Hey, if you think I’m making all this stuff up as I go, well — you caught me red-handed! And we are not the kind of guys who get caught. (No, really. We aren’t.)

Our promise to you: You will never again have to worry about outliving your money. So live it up now. It is what we call freedom. At least in this country! (And, really, around here can you count on having access to health care later on? C’mon!)

Give us a call. Here in New York, we’ll meet you on the southeast corner of 34th and 9th (or another location more convenient for us) and we’ll walk and talk.

Look, we all know the end is coming one day — that’s what philosophers call the Human Condition. Sign on with us, and you will feel the intensity of life as never before — and what more could you ask for your final years, or months, or, you know, in a surprising percentage of cases, mere weeks?

You’llneverseeitcoming™. We guarantee it.

Kirk Swearingen is an independent journalist living in St. Louis. His work has most recently appeared on Salon.